Care For The Caregiver

At some point in our lives, most of us take on a caregiving role.  You may be coping with caring for a loved one who is suffering from a serious illness, or are caring for an aging parent or family member.  You could also be caring for children, or in the “caring profession” such as nurses, social workers, or counselors. How do we do it all? How do we balance care for others and care of ourselves?

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The oxygen mask metaphor has always bugged me. You know the one, “put on your oxygen mask before helping your loved one with their mask.” Sometimes life and caregiving, necessitates that we put the mask on others before ourselves. As a parent, when your baby was hungry, did you stop and feed them before taking care of your own needs?  Have you missed hours of sleep to comfort a loved one during a difficult night, or to rush to the emergency room because symptoms suddenly got worse?

Self-care isn’t a linear process, more like an ongoing process of coming out of balance, perhaps even burning out, checking yourself, and coming back into balance. There is a feedback loop that occurs when we burn out and that feedback helps us to find deeper ways of caring for ourselves. We learn to integrate moments of self-care into our lives. Small steps of self-care integration is key here; rather than grand gestures of self-care like going shopping or on a full day excursion (although those are wonderful too! ) It is the small, collective moments of self-care that help the body unwind.

Biologically, we know that there is an effect on the nervous system when we are in a consistent state of caregiving. The sympathetic nervous system is in a state of heightened activation, “fight/flight” it is often called. We are on red alert to respond to the needs of those we are caring for. The body responds with shallow breathing in the chest and tightening of muscles. As caregivers we must learn to integrate moments of rest that adequately help the nervous system come down from activation.

The parasympathetic nervous system, or relaxed nervous system, is responsible for stimulation of “rest-and-digest.” If a high level of stress is maintained within the nervous system it can be hard to unplug, or unwind.

Here are some small ways to integrate self-care and encourage the parasympathetic nervous system:

  • Breathe. Notice your body. Breathe again. If your face is tense and grim, try smiling or attempt a half smile if that feels disingenuous.
  • Say “I choose” rather than “I should, I ought to, or I have to. Say “won’t” rather than “I can’t.”
  • When you wake up, take a few moments to “choose” to go to work, or care for your children or loved ones.
  • When possible, go outside for three minutes; walk or stand and breathe some fresh air. Turn your face to the sun and feel its warmth, breathe in its energy.
  • Ask yourself in a moment of feeling overwhelmed,  “How can I make this simple?”
  • Be gentle with yourself by listening to your self- talk. Are you speaking to yourself with a harsh voice?
  • Make “good enough” your standard rather than perfection.
  • Include body stretches throughout the day. Reach for your toes. Reach the arms up above. Twist side to side.

When all else fails. Just take a breath. Breathing has a profound effect on the nervous system. In fact, our breath is a mirror to how the nervous system is doing. If you find you are breathing in the upper chest and taking shallow breaths you may be activated. Try breathing into your belly, using the diaphragm, taking big deep breaths. One breath can change your whole mindset. Simple but profoundly true; try it, right now. May we all find those moments to unplug. As the author Anne Lamott says, “Almost everything will work again, if you unplug it for a few minutes, including you.”